Talented @ Breathing, Especially Exhaling

People say that I am a happy-go-lucky kind of guy.  I think I’m more of a happy-when-lucky guy.

I can solve one of earth’s oldest mysteries. Which came first the chicken or the egg….the chicken did read the creation account in Genesis 1.

What’s the difference between a smoking section and a non smoking section in a restaurant?  Do they think smoke knows what section it belongs in?

Romance novels are the women’s guide to an unrealistic expectation of a man.

True story…..I was at a restaurant and ordered something off the menu and the waitress said out loud…….. eeeh yuck I’d never order that.  

People who say that they are waiting to meet the perfect person never find them.

I’m still waiting for the new fad to be not to follow fads anymore. Knowing me I probably wouldn’t follow that one either.

I’d pay good money to listen to a conversation between Thomas Edison and an Amish person.

I think plays and operas oughta have a scoreboard with a timer and be divided into 4 quarters with no timeouts.  This way men can survive it.

Blind dates are meant to be for those of who they speak of…. the blind.

Fear is what motivates us to do half the stuff we do, the other half of our motivation comes from love.

I have never seen anyone with low self-esteem be in a healthy relationship. I wonder if who they are dating has anything to do with it?

I think it is racist that I can’t say certain words that other races can say.

The cure to alcoholism is to be a person who plans things~ cuz noone ever plans to be an alcoholic and I’ve never seen an alcoholic who in turn makes plans.

I’m making a real attempt to be totally honest all the time so I called into work and told them I was too tired to come in.

The food pyramid was mistakenly made for cattle not people ~ I ‘ve never seen anyone eat 12 servings of grain in one day.

If doctors get paid more to perform surgeries on us why do we seek their expert opinion on things if they have a bias. Shouldn’t there be an independent source that doesn’t gain financially by our medical conditions?

The most foolish people I know all have one thing in common they all believe in luck and they all think theirs is bad.

I use to believe that a good way to tell if a woman was depressed or on their period was to see if they craved chocolate but when I got married that theory went out the window.

I wonder if the Quakers will ever move on to market anything other than oats. 

I think the best way to express one self is to tattoo their heart not their body.

If everyone in the Bible times wore sandals when were socks invented? ‘Cuz socks and sandals sure don’t go together.

I wonder if Jesus was a comedian.  Cuz every time I watch Comedy Central the comedians are always Jewish. Instead of speaking in parables he could of told jokes.  A Pharisee and a Sadducee walk into a temple…

The grass may not always be greener on the other side but it is sometimes.

I didn’t realize that men were expected to possess the ability to read minds.

Satan is clever he figured out by simply moving around a few letters in his name he could change the whole meaning of Christmas. For the slow folks out there Satan—Santa

The most messed up people on the earth are the real religious type.  They all claim to be doing God’s work but don’t even know who God is.

Are Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben married and if so who else in the food business are together Ben and Jerry?

I wonder who was the first person to think candles were romantic cuz til electricity came along that was all people knew.

Copyright ©Matt Webster